Dear John

Dear John,

The beauty of your dimples with the sparkle in your eyes is the image I see before going to bed at night... The thought of seeing the two up close in personal again is an image I long to see... I long for the comfort of your voice and the touch of your hands against my soft skin... The connection you and I had was one I truly cannot put into words, but I am going to try... I am going to try to make them as perfect as you are to me to everyone else... You are the brightness in my north star, which gives me the strength to carry on into the next day... You are my eagle that sours over the ocean with my hopes and dreams.. You are my sunrise which brings color and changes and allows me to conquer each day differently... You are the one who gives me the tingly feeling in my legs that stretches to my toes and the one who knows me more than anyone else, and I never knew it... I never knew you were my John until you were gone... But you have left me with the ability to know that one day you will return to me or I will find another John...Thank you for being my John and giving me the hope of who I deserve and know I need to complete me...

live, laugh, love,
Tif

A ROLLER COASTER

What is roller coaster? By definition a roller coaster: NOUN: A steep, sharply curving elevated railway with small open passenger cars that is operated at high speeds as a ride, especially in an amusement park. An action, event, or experience marked by abrupt, extreme changes in circumstance, quality, or behavior...(Webster's)

That is the perfect description of my summer. I have been put to the test on being a true friend too many different people close to me.. I have failed in many ways and it hurts to realize that I am not as good of a friend as I should be... One of my friends took his life this summer... after thinking about this situation- I blame myself.. I was not there to help him through his tough times, I needed to be there for him and show him that he is special and there is someone who would care when he was no longer on this planet... He was my strength and I never got to tell him, He was my heart and I never got to tell him... After the passing of him, I have realized that I am not promised tomorrow.. I have promised myself from that day I will not hold back.. I will let people know how I feel..

I recently took the initiative and expressed how much "my soul mate" meant to me and how I wanted him in my life whether it was baby steps or full out.. Like a true friend, he gave me the second chance.. It scares me to know he is giving me a second chance, it makes me want to work harder to keep him in my life, but at the same time it makes me scared I will fuck up again..

But on a happier note this summer has helped me realize I have amazing friends and love spending time with them... My summer started off with a new chapter in my life, I left Starbucks after 4 years of my time.. I woke up one morning and left without a second thought in my heart! Starbucks has given friends and a family away from home and I love it for that.. But Starbucks was not the place I needed to be with the drama and stress within my life... Starbucks has help me grow as an individual as well as grow as a friend...

With that I travelled to Dallas this summer to visit a dear friend of mine...Definitely, something I would not normally do.. Not saying he is not worth it because that is not true.. I was scared to take the jump! We have had amazing times together.. From phone conversations, to sporting events, medieval times, FIFA watching, to just being listeners for each other... I have made a place in my heart for him and I know he knows that I care, But I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT HE IS SPECIAL TO ME AND I ENJOY HIS FRIENDSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!

Also, I applied for a job I did not think that I have a chance.. But realize that I can get the job I want and can excel if I only look inside and have a little bit of confidence... I preach confidence to my players all the time and thought I had a lot of self confidence, but recently I have realized that I do not.. So, with that the next job I apply for I will have confidence and know I deserve the job at hand... I hope to take the next chapter and move to a place where I can have the strength to live on my own with confidence to exceed and eventually start a family!!

sorry for not blogging in awhile, but I needed to find the confidence to share with others..

live, laugh, love,
Tif

JUST THINKING...

So, I have been in the house all week by myself... I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to be alone... The things that you can do when no one is home is amazing... From turning down the ac- let's not tell my mom... having co-workers over and celebrating along week at work...drinking a glass of wine (if I want it- I can have it!) Walking around the house in clothes I might not normally wear all the time.. or walking around with nothing... It has been a changing point for me in my thinking... I have always thought that I will be that person that stays alone and never finds that special person, which may still be true, but I know that I will be able to make it alone now... I know that if God wants me to be alone, I will be a strong person, that will always have a shit load of food on the table, because I have not learned to cook for just one yet (so do not be afraid to stop by and eat!)...

The past few days, I have talked to friends here and there who are in relationships and having trouble or just HEAD OVER HEALS... I do not want to be either of those... I do not want to be that person that has to eat, sleep, breath of the other person... I value my friends more than anything in the world and I understand that things change when you are in a relationship, but coming from someone who lost a lot of friends over a guy in highschool- I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.. I guess what I am trying to say is that the actions that you make and decide in a relationship not only affect you and your person but they affect your friends too.. For the person that is having trouble in a relationship, things are more special when you have to work hard BUT at the same time understand and relize the RED FLAGS! It is different from working hard to keep the relationship that has potentional than working hard to keep something that you know is a lost cause. So, I guess what I am trying to say is what Megan said a few days ago! "She found her best friend!" I hope that the person that I do settle down with or fall for is my best friend...

Recently, I have explained that the little things are what I miss each and everyday... Those little things are disappearing and it sucks! My little things are my friends... I know without them, I would not be who I am! When I see a friend going through things I cannot help with - I HURT... I see a friend falling in love with someone too fast - I get scared for them... I see a friend struggling in a relationship- I hope for the best!!!

After this long week of living at home by myself and struggling to make people feel better and hope for phone calls, I have realized that "if it is meant to be, it will be!" Honestly I want to help and be there for them, but I must quote the

Serenity Prayer

"grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."


Live, Love, Laugh

Tif

Love

I long to feel the strength of his body
I long to feel the soft touch of his lips
I long to feel the sparkle in his eyes
I long to feel his arms around me
I long to feel his body against mine
I long to see the sparkle in my eyes
I long to see his smile
I long to feel the security
I long to feel the "love"

I miss what we had... I miss what we could have had.. I miss him and everything that came with him... It is hard to know when you think you have everything that it disappear faster than one could ever imagine... I know one day I'll have that soft touch, arms around me, and the sparkle in my eyes again...


Love is something that never goes away, but it is a feeling only you can experience and explain..., You can relate BUT LOVE IS NEVER THE SAME!


live, LOVE, laugh,
Tif