It's a hard not life!

They always say life's greener on the other side... Is it really true?

I'm getting curve balls thrown at me from all over- any pitcher knows me As a hitter I'll let it go or foul it off...

But can you really foul off things in real life? I feel like everything is falling apart, one step at a time slowly but surely..

Work- getting accused of things I never did, making up stories to make themselves feel better, (my health can't take the high school shit)

Life- if it doesn't kill me it makes me stronger! Too fast too fast- I'm trying, I'm learning to grow with u and for u.. I'm stressing to be perfect, but I'm not sure that's what u want! U want me- but I can't find the true me anymore .. Is it bc of my stress at work?

I'm ready for a change in my life which allows it to be u and me! Allows us to grow, allows us to put the past behind us and move on with each other

Guess what I'm saying is I'm older now, better hitter and ready to attack the curve balls! PICKING MY BATTLES!

Bath tub!

This is the place I feel most comfortable! I'm not afraid, I let it all out, I even talk to myself hoping one day it will respond! The bath tub allows me to be myself and analyze all options for careers, relationships, and anything else that may occur..

As, I sit in the bath tub- I wonder if I should continue like this? Things are hard to explain! I care for him, I'm attracted to him, I even love him! We get along so well, but friendships are my comfort zones! Like the bubbles in my bath! Its not a bath tub with out them! And I'm not me without my friends! But I want more! I want to trust him! I want him to only want me-

Part of me feels like that will never happen! Maybe one day he will realize I'm worth it!! Maybe one day he will be ok admitting he has a GF and not a best friend!

Hopefully soon bc im ready for the real thing and nothing less!

Dimples

Is it crazy- that I can go months without hearing your voice, seeing your dimples, or giving you a hug! But still long for your voice, dimples, and hugs! I promise you have been the one on my mind every morning and evening! I want to know how your days, your nights, your love life, your job, your new living arrangements! I want to know you still feel the same way- I want to be there in your life again! I want to fill the hole in my heart where I had all my love for you.. I pick up my phone and stare at your number, but I don't call! I begin to text but never send! I stare at the picture in my phone of you- hoping you will call!! I MISS THE DOGS BARKING(your ring tone!) hopefully, this empty place in my heart will be filled with you sooner or later!

I love you and always will!!! I miss you more than you can imagine!!!

Its hard to live, laugh, and love without my strength of you in my life!

Tif

CHAPTER 25 1/2

Sitting in my room wondering... When is it enough? Why is it so hard? I just need help knowing that whatever decision I make for now on it is with me and only me on the mind... That is hard for me- I do not like to put myself before others... I have made decision based on circumstances all the times...

1. going to spring hill - bc it was cheaper, bc it was close, bc my mom did not want me to go where my boyfriend was...
-- Spring Hill turned out to be fun.. met amazing people who are still dear to my heart!!! and love them like my brother or sister!!!
--- met great co workers and an amazing manager who let me grow as even as young as i was.. who helped me follow my dreams and supported me each and every way!

2. moved to bham with Beka to be with Amanda and Ben!
-- saw snow for the first time,
--- followed my dream on becoming a chef
-- met amazing people in culinary school (who taught me how my college years should have gone)
--met amazing co workers- who I still cherish every day

3. moved back to help my Lil brother thru hard times
-- fell to the GAP
-- met more amazing people, but at the same time I have been challenged on who I am and how I am as a person... I have honestly never been in so many different situations that I could not understand how I got there or how one could see it like that... BUT nevertheless, I am ready for another chapter in my life... I am ready to give the world all that I am willing to offer..

4. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME! I UNDERSTAND IT WILL CHANGE SOMETHINGS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW IT WILL BRING ME CLOSER TO MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL BE HAPPIER AND WILL HAVE TIME FOR THEM... I KNOW IT SEEMS CRAZY, THAT AFTER ALL THIS WAITING FOR A SIGN, ASKING PEOPLE TO HELP, AND FINALLY REALIZING THAT ALL I NEEDED WAS THE SECURITY OF MY FRIENDS SUPPORTING ME - I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR TRULY UNDERSTANDING!!!
MI CASA ES SU CASA!!!

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE

TIF


(ps--> clearly done without caring!!! or internet slang)

Gloomy Anxiety People

It is easy to blog and vent... It is even easier to just yell and scream.. but do those really work- with no intent behind the yelling and screaming or the blogging or venting... You can put me in a room and ask me to yell- I will sound like a high pitch 8 year old girl.. or I will cry like a 2 year old... Is that really, a way of releasing anger.. yeah, but I guess the other question is it right for that particular individual! This individual.. NO.. I really hate conflict! I hate to yell and most of all I hate to cry!! These past months have tested me as an individual and you can say I graduated from college 3 years ago(damn I am getting old)... and I didn’t like taking test then- and I sure as hell don’t like them now.. if there is one thing I have learned from the real world - is there are a lot of people that sugar coat things to help others or there are a lot of people out there with a list – sort of like Santa’s, but different... If you aren’t on the list- your done.. if you are on the list- u r the "golden child" It is crazy to think that coming from a the civil war ages and half my grandparents were fighting to eat at a restaurant to now worrying about if you’re on a list... I don’t really see the importance of a list if isn’t helping the situation as a whole or helping a particular environment.. the list just brings more problems and more arguments. "it’s how the world turns."

But I am a firm believer in the serenity prayer! and I cannot control the list! but I can control me! and I know I do not want to be a part of a list or even on a list for that matter. I know if there is a place that wants me to grow- I will.. but once u ask me to change me as a character and a person... You are asking too much!!! and I cannot be a part of something like that. But I can be a part of something which allows me to be me and allows me to develop as an individual!!!!

Gloomy Anxiety People
Live, laugh, love

Tif

A TOTAL ECLIPSE!

Wow.. I have not blogged in a long time.. It is not that I have not thought to or did not want to share with you guys, but I just chose not to share... I'll run you guys through a little of my life in the past 2 months... I went to MADRID, SPAIN!!! It was absolutely a chance of a life time.. I loved the architecture, the long walks, the people, and the art!!! ORIGINAL GRECO!!! AND MORE!! I learned the history of just about every catholic church, temple, and war in the town... Thank you again for inviting me Beka and thank you for making my Thanksgiving, Mrs. Barbara.

I have recently been promoted to full time at the GAP and it is hard work, but I love it!!! I love the new responsibilities and learning the new aspects of the store and company...

Finally, what everyone has been asking me.. I have met someone!! He is amazing... I'm in like stage and it is new and I do not want to rush things.. He is allowing me to be me. Honestly, I have never had someone who has fully let me be me... from my sarcasm, giggling, my workaholic syndrome, and wanting to be spontaneous or just being lazy... He likes me for who I am and does not ask me to change one bit.. He has not asked me to stay, he has not said I care too much, and he understands splitting family times are a must!

He is a locomotive engineer who travels the world by a train.. He fixes them, drives them, and builds them.. He makes my heart beat 10 faster and slower at the same time.. either way, I grateful to have met him and enjoy the new excitement in my life.. I will keep you guys updated, because without you guys I would not be able to appreciate him as much as I do now without getting hurt and making new memories with friends!!! Thank you guys for everything!!!

live, laugh, LOVE,
TIf

Opportunities

Opportunities come and go so fast... Sometimes I wish there were signs; "take this one", "what you are thinking- not me!", or something as simple as "yes this way!" But looking back on the those signs, we would not have stories to share to our children or grandchildren...We would not be able explain when my lips touch his my stars are brighter and my heart beats fast and slowly at the same time.. or the suspense of waiting at the airport to see his smiling face.. or just enjoying staring at the sky all night with the person you love...or the anticipation of waiting for him to respond to a letter you wrote him..

I am at a 4 way stop and not sure which way to go..

1. I could go left- apply for the job in another state- just take the jump and see what happens
2. I could go right- move back to new orleans, and hope I find another job on the side
3. I could straight- take the leap with the new guy and not look back
4. I could turn around- to try to heal a part of my heart I will never get back, may never know why it is wounded-- but just another part of life which will make me stronger

if I take 1. I could fail, I could fall, I could shut everyone out of my life
if I take 2. I could get my roommate back, I could have the life I have been wanting minus the job I want, I could take the a minor jump and fail a little
it I take 3. I could lose another friend- I cannot lose another friend!! I could enjoy life with him , He could be the one or he could just be another thing to make me stronger.
if I take 4. I could fix it or I could just hurt even more..

The opportunities are God's way of showing me it is a time for a change, it is a time to grow up and decide to got right, left, straight of even turn behind and change a few things.. God is letting me know I am not happy and things should change...or I deserve better and I need to figure out which one is more important to me and go with it!

live, laugh, love,
Tif
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