CHAPTER 25 1/2

Sitting in my room wondering... When is it enough? Why is it so hard? I just need help knowing that whatever decision I make for now on it is with me and only me on the mind... That is hard for me- I do not like to put myself before others... I have made decision based on circumstances all the times...

1. going to spring hill - bc it was cheaper, bc it was close, bc my mom did not want me to go where my boyfriend was...
-- Spring Hill turned out to be fun.. met amazing people who are still dear to my heart!!! and love them like my brother or sister!!!
--- met great co workers and an amazing manager who let me grow as even as young as i was.. who helped me follow my dreams and supported me each and every way!

2. moved to bham with Beka to be with Amanda and Ben!
-- saw snow for the first time,
--- followed my dream on becoming a chef
-- met amazing people in culinary school (who taught me how my college years should have gone)
--met amazing co workers- who I still cherish every day

3. moved back to help my Lil brother thru hard times
-- fell to the GAP
-- met more amazing people, but at the same time I have been challenged on who I am and how I am as a person... I have honestly never been in so many different situations that I could not understand how I got there or how one could see it like that... BUT nevertheless, I am ready for another chapter in my life... I am ready to give the world all that I am willing to offer..

4. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME! I UNDERSTAND IT WILL CHANGE SOMETHINGS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW IT WILL BRING ME CLOSER TO MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL BE HAPPIER AND WILL HAVE TIME FOR THEM... I KNOW IT SEEMS CRAZY, THAT AFTER ALL THIS WAITING FOR A SIGN, ASKING PEOPLE TO HELP, AND FINALLY REALIZING THAT ALL I NEEDED WAS THE SECURITY OF MY FRIENDS SUPPORTING ME - I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR TRULY UNDERSTANDING!!!
MI CASA ES SU CASA!!!

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE

TIF


(ps--> clearly done without caring!!! or internet slang)

Gloomy Anxiety People

It is easy to blog and vent... It is even easier to just yell and scream.. but do those really work- with no intent behind the yelling and screaming or the blogging or venting... You can put me in a room and ask me to yell- I will sound like a high pitch 8 year old girl.. or I will cry like a 2 year old... Is that really, a way of releasing anger.. yeah, but I guess the other question is it right for that particular individual! This individual.. NO.. I really hate conflict! I hate to yell and most of all I hate to cry!! These past months have tested me as an individual and you can say I graduated from college 3 years ago(damn I am getting old)... and I didn’t like taking test then- and I sure as hell don’t like them now.. if there is one thing I have learned from the real world - is there are a lot of people that sugar coat things to help others or there are a lot of people out there with a list – sort of like Santa’s, but different... If you aren’t on the list- your done.. if you are on the list- u r the "golden child" It is crazy to think that coming from a the civil war ages and half my grandparents were fighting to eat at a restaurant to now worrying about if you’re on a list... I don’t really see the importance of a list if isn’t helping the situation as a whole or helping a particular environment.. the list just brings more problems and more arguments. "it’s how the world turns."

But I am a firm believer in the serenity prayer! and I cannot control the list! but I can control me! and I know I do not want to be a part of a list or even on a list for that matter. I know if there is a place that wants me to grow- I will.. but once u ask me to change me as a character and a person... You are asking too much!!! and I cannot be a part of something like that. But I can be a part of something which allows me to be me and allows me to develop as an individual!!!!

Gloomy Anxiety People
Live, laugh, love

Tif

A TOTAL ECLIPSE!

Wow.. I have not blogged in a long time.. It is not that I have not thought to or did not want to share with you guys, but I just chose not to share... I'll run you guys through a little of my life in the past 2 months... I went to MADRID, SPAIN!!! It was absolutely a chance of a life time.. I loved the architecture, the long walks, the people, and the art!!! ORIGINAL GRECO!!! AND MORE!! I learned the history of just about every catholic church, temple, and war in the town... Thank you again for inviting me Beka and thank you for making my Thanksgiving, Mrs. Barbara.

I have recently been promoted to full time at the GAP and it is hard work, but I love it!!! I love the new responsibilities and learning the new aspects of the store and company...

Finally, what everyone has been asking me.. I have met someone!! He is amazing... I'm in like stage and it is new and I do not want to rush things.. He is allowing me to be me. Honestly, I have never had someone who has fully let me be me... from my sarcasm, giggling, my workaholic syndrome, and wanting to be spontaneous or just being lazy... He likes me for who I am and does not ask me to change one bit.. He has not asked me to stay, he has not said I care too much, and he understands splitting family times are a must!

He is a locomotive engineer who travels the world by a train.. He fixes them, drives them, and builds them.. He makes my heart beat 10 faster and slower at the same time.. either way, I grateful to have met him and enjoy the new excitement in my life.. I will keep you guys updated, because without you guys I would not be able to appreciate him as much as I do now without getting hurt and making new memories with friends!!! Thank you guys for everything!!!

live, laugh, LOVE,
TIf

Opportunities

Opportunities come and go so fast... Sometimes I wish there were signs; "take this one", "what you are thinking- not me!", or something as simple as "yes this way!" But looking back on the those signs, we would not have stories to share to our children or grandchildren...We would not be able explain when my lips touch his my stars are brighter and my heart beats fast and slowly at the same time.. or the suspense of waiting at the airport to see his smiling face.. or just enjoying staring at the sky all night with the person you love...or the anticipation of waiting for him to respond to a letter you wrote him..

I am at a 4 way stop and not sure which way to go..

1. I could go left- apply for the job in another state- just take the jump and see what happens
2. I could go right- move back to new orleans, and hope I find another job on the side
3. I could straight- take the leap with the new guy and not look back
4. I could turn around- to try to heal a part of my heart I will never get back, may never know why it is wounded-- but just another part of life which will make me stronger

if I take 1. I could fail, I could fall, I could shut everyone out of my life
if I take 2. I could get my roommate back, I could have the life I have been wanting minus the job I want, I could take the a minor jump and fail a little
it I take 3. I could lose another friend- I cannot lose another friend!! I could enjoy life with him , He could be the one or he could just be another thing to make me stronger.
if I take 4. I could fix it or I could just hurt even more..

The opportunities are God's way of showing me it is a time for a change, it is a time to grow up and decide to got right, left, straight of even turn behind and change a few things.. God is letting me know I am not happy and things should change...or I deserve better and I need to figure out which one is more important to me and go with it!

live, laugh, love,
Tif
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Brain Storming!!!

Is brain storming really helpful? Is it still the thing you do before writing a huge paper? Well it is something I do before stepping out of my bubble! I still make the pros and cons lists, I still ball up the papers that are going in the wrong direction, and I still sharpen my pencil until it hits the eraser!

I ask myself what still can make me do this? What still makes me this stressed out.. I have no papers to write, I have no projects to make! I have a heart which knows what it wants but a mind that is scared to listen to my heart... I know I want to spill my heart out, but I am afraid of rejection!!!

Looking back on things... People always ask do you regret anything? and I always answer no, but that is not true! I have regretted the day after my first performance.. (side note: I was a bad ass Rizzo!) I regret not giving him a chance, I regret thinking I was better off with the one older than me.. I regret not stepping out and giving him a chance.. Later on, after growing up a little, I realized he was amazing, sweetheart, and treated me like an angel! I regret that I could have had him from the beginning..

After College or hitting my adult age... It has come to him being the first one I think about in the morning, last one I think about before going to sleep, I wonder what he is doing, and I wonder why he can not see I want to be with him... I want to make the jump! I want to pop my bubble, break the brainstorming, stop the tree killing, and stop the pencil sharpening.. I want to live in the moment! I want to live the moment with him! I want him to know I am here for him, I want him to be my "Lucas", my "Nathan", or another words I want him to be MINE!!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Tif

Dear John

Dear John,

The beauty of your dimples with the sparkle in your eyes is the image I see before going to bed at night... The thought of seeing the two up close in personal again is an image I long to see... I long for the comfort of your voice and the touch of your hands against my soft skin... The connection you and I had was one I truly cannot put into words, but I am going to try... I am going to try to make them as perfect as you are to me to everyone else... You are the brightness in my north star, which gives me the strength to carry on into the next day... You are my eagle that sours over the ocean with my hopes and dreams.. You are my sunrise which brings color and changes and allows me to conquer each day differently... You are the one who gives me the tingly feeling in my legs that stretches to my toes and the one who knows me more than anyone else, and I never knew it... I never knew you were my John until you were gone... But you have left me with the ability to know that one day you will return to me or I will find another John...Thank you for being my John and giving me the hope of who I deserve and know I need to complete me...

live, laugh, love,
Tif

A ROLLER COASTER

What is roller coaster? By definition a roller coaster: NOUN: A steep, sharply curving elevated railway with small open passenger cars that is operated at high speeds as a ride, especially in an amusement park. An action, event, or experience marked by abrupt, extreme changes in circumstance, quality, or behavior...(Webster's)

That is the perfect description of my summer. I have been put to the test on being a true friend too many different people close to me.. I have failed in many ways and it hurts to realize that I am not as good of a friend as I should be... One of my friends took his life this summer... after thinking about this situation- I blame myself.. I was not there to help him through his tough times, I needed to be there for him and show him that he is special and there is someone who would care when he was no longer on this planet... He was my strength and I never got to tell him, He was my heart and I never got to tell him... After the passing of him, I have realized that I am not promised tomorrow.. I have promised myself from that day I will not hold back.. I will let people know how I feel..

I recently took the initiative and expressed how much "my soul mate" meant to me and how I wanted him in my life whether it was baby steps or full out.. Like a true friend, he gave me the second chance.. It scares me to know he is giving me a second chance, it makes me want to work harder to keep him in my life, but at the same time it makes me scared I will fuck up again..

But on a happier note this summer has helped me realize I have amazing friends and love spending time with them... My summer started off with a new chapter in my life, I left Starbucks after 4 years of my time.. I woke up one morning and left without a second thought in my heart! Starbucks has given friends and a family away from home and I love it for that.. But Starbucks was not the place I needed to be with the drama and stress within my life... Starbucks has help me grow as an individual as well as grow as a friend...

With that I travelled to Dallas this summer to visit a dear friend of mine...Definitely, something I would not normally do.. Not saying he is not worth it because that is not true.. I was scared to take the jump! We have had amazing times together.. From phone conversations, to sporting events, medieval times, FIFA watching, to just being listeners for each other... I have made a place in my heart for him and I know he knows that I care, But I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT HE IS SPECIAL TO ME AND I ENJOY HIS FRIENDSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!

Also, I applied for a job I did not think that I have a chance.. But realize that I can get the job I want and can excel if I only look inside and have a little bit of confidence... I preach confidence to my players all the time and thought I had a lot of self confidence, but recently I have realized that I do not.. So, with that the next job I apply for I will have confidence and know I deserve the job at hand... I hope to take the next chapter and move to a place where I can have the strength to live on my own with confidence to exceed and eventually start a family!!

sorry for not blogging in awhile, but I needed to find the confidence to share with others..

live, laugh, love,
Tif